A miracle out of thin air: The canonization of Joseph isn’t a joke, it’s a strategy
📍 Moscow, July 2025
Поки в Україні горять церкви, а Бахмут із Маріуполем уже готуються приймати паломників “русского мира”, Патріарх Кирил несподівано згадав старе добре ім’я — Stalin.
👑 Yes, yes, that Stalin. The one with the purges, the GULAGs, and whispers in the night. But according to His Holiness, that’s not the main thing. The key moment was that in 1943, Joseph Vissarionovich invited ROC hierarchs for a chat. He even opened with a proverb: “Хто старе згадає…” — and off he went.
💬 “We can say only one thing: a miracle of God!” proclaimed the Patriarch. Of course, not about peace in Ukraine or slain civilians — but about how the Church was reopened after Stalin. Hooray!
🚀 And now — a new era of spiritual growth. After icons of Putin, “Saint Special Forces,” and the “peaceful bombing prayer,” we now await Stalin’s debut as a martyr for the unity of party and Church.
🛐 Rumor has it, the first akathist is already in the works:
“О, великий Йосифе, що вмів правити залізною рукою і молитися в глибокій таємниці — моли Бога за нас (але бажано не голосно).”
🇷🇺 Patriarch Kirill clarified that Stalin “wasn’t such an atheist after all” — at least compared to some TikTok liberals. And Vladimir Vladimirovich, as a sincerely Orthodox president, “has every chance of becoming no less saintly — but in his lifetime.”
🌍 The next step for the ROC? Establishing a Department of “Theology of Totalitarianism” and blessing new cruisers named Saint Joseph and Apostle Patriot.
📸 Mustachioed icons have already hit the market. It’s recommended to store them in your safe, next to your party card, a St. George ribbon, and a stash of sanctified ammunition.
🔔 Brekhunets 24 reminds you:
When lies become holy, truth goes into exile. But we’ll laugh anyway. If you’re going to build a cult — at least do it with dark humor.
Photo James Abbe, via Wikimedia Commons
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